Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Randomize
