I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
