i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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