Umm I'm too high to move.
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
