You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
