cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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