I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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