She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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