Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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