I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
My dick has a subreddit
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
