Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
