On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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