There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
