Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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