my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
The adults are the big ones right?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
