I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
i think my cat just said my name.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
