i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
