I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
