I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I need moral support for this bender
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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