Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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