never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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