Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
