i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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