at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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