I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
