My girlfriend figured out who you are.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
