Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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