I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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