Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
