you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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