I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
