I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
