So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
