genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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