Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
