I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Buhtt sex?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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