I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Randomize
