his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
