You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Acid is not a monday night drug
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
