So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
