Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
