Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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