I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
