And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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