Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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