I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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