the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
my sisters under your porch take her home
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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