The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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