i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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