I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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