Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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